Infertility sucks. There is no way to describe the pain and heartache that it brings. There is no way to describe how difficult this road is – no matter how short or how long it is.
We’re blessed that so far our road has been short – sooooo short compared to so many others – but today, the day that I should be overjoyed because we get to have our “next steps” appointment and so far all the news is good, I’m struggling. I’ve been struggling.
Why me? Why us? Why do we have to do IVF to have a baby? Why have all of my friends gotten pregnant within a few months of trying to conceive, well before their one-year marriage anniversary? Why have all of my friends had easy, healthy pregnancies with no problems – and I can’t even get pregnant? Why does our faith have to be tested like this? Why does our marriage have to weather this storm?
[Side note – If you’ve ever asked the question, “Why, God?” this is a must read – “But Why Does She Get Babies?” – This isn’t just for those struggling with infertility – it’s for anyone who has ever asked, “Why, God? Why me?”]
As I’m caught in the midst of days where I have to fight with everything I have to stop the tears – when it takes every ounce of strength within me to get out of bed and begin my day – I’m reminded of how much I need Him.
This morning I simply opened my Bible – I didn’t turn to a particular book or chapter or verse, I just opened it – and I ended up at Psalm 145. After months of running from God – being angry, going through the motions, making choices against His commands – He led me to this Psalm.
As I read these verses I was reminded of a few things.
One, as David opens this Psalms praising God, I’m reminded that I’m here to serve Him and glorify His name. That’s it – that’s our purpose in life. Through the good times and the bad times, whether we have a baby or not, when everything is going right, when everything is going wrong – God’s desire is not to make us happy but rather to make us holy.
Two, I’m weak. We’re powerless without Christ – and the more I fight for power and control, the harder I fall.
The Lord is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The Lord is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. – The Lord is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The Lord upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. – The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. – Psalm 145: 8-9, 13-14, 17-18.
I have no doubt that I’m supposed to be on my knees – that I’m supposed to be broken – My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. 2 Corinthians 12:9
Three, when we follow and obey Christ, He gives us the desires of our hearts. God desires for us to holy, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want us to be happy too!
The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing. – He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. – Psalm 145: 15-16, 19
God is busy writing our story – a story that will bring honor and glory to His name. That doesn’t mean the journey doesn’t suck. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt. But I truly believe that we’ve been placed in this storm intentionally, and it might be years before we see the fruits of this time, but Christ is working in us and through us.
Everyone asks how they can help. The answer is simple – pray 🙂 Don’t pray that God blesses us with a baby (of course that is what we want, and I believe God will answer that prayer in His timing) – but instead pray that God works in us spiritually and as a couple. Pray that we both intentionally seek Him, that our hearts are open, and that we allow this time to help us grow. Satan is working harder than ever and attacking at every opportunity he gets – spiritual warfare is real, and we need prayer.
Pray for our marriage. We need Christ first – and our marriage second – before baby. Relationships are difficult. I’d be lying if I said our marriage is perfect or that this journey has brought us closer together – some days, yes, it draws us closer, and other days it drives us apart – and I’m okay with that, because I think it’s how God works and ultimately strengthens us. I bought two books this morning – The Love Dare and The 31 Day Pursuit Challenge – I don’t know what my “plan” is for either of these books, but I know that I’m excited for what God is doing in us as a couple through this season of our lives.
I’ll end with this – Almost every day I feel guilty because I feel like my challenges are completely insignificant compared to what other people are facing. We are blessed and have more than enough to be thankful for – we’re both alive, we’re both healthy, we have a roof over our heads, we have food to eat, we have loving and supportive families…the list goes on and on. There are people around us, even close friends, facing far more challenging situations than ours – and I think about these people often. But the truth is, no challenge is insignificant.
I pray that if you are reading this that you know that whatever challenge you are facing today – this week – this year – during this season of your life – God has blessed you with it and is using it to write your story. Seek Him. You won’t be disappointed.
[If there is any way I can pray for you, reach out to me. I’m your prayer warrior too!]